"Well, that is how things were going not long before it happened. We seemed to be living in a state of truce and had no reason to infringe it. Then we chanced to speak about a dog which I said had been awarded a medal at an exhibition. She remarked, ‘Not a medal, but an honourable mention. ' A dispute ensues. We jump from one subject to another, reproach one another, ‘Oh, that's nothing new, it's always been like that. ' ‘You said. ' ‘No, I didn't say so. ' ‘Then I am telling lies! . ' You feel that at any moment that dreadful quarrelling which makes you wish to kill yourself or her will begin. You know it will begin immediately, and fear it like fire and therefore wish to restrain yourself, but your whole being is seized with fury. She being in the same or even a worse condition purposely misinterprets every word you say, giving it a wrong meaning. Her every word is venomous; where she alone knows that I am most sensitive, she stabs. It gets worse and worse. I shout: ‘Be quiet! ' or something of that kind.
"She rushes out of the room and into the nursery. I try to hold her back in order to finish what I was saying, to prove my point, and I seize her by the arm. She pretends that I have hurt her and screams: ‘Children, your father is striking me! ' I shout: ‘Don't lie! ' ‘But it's not the first time! ' she screams, or something like that. The children rush to her. She calms them down. I say, ‘Don't sham! ' She says, ‘Everything is sham in your eyes, you would kill anyone and say they were shamming. Now I have understood you. That's just what you want! ' ‘Oh, I wish you were dead as a dog! ' I shout. I remember how those dreadful words horrified me. I never thought I could utter such dreadful, coarse words, and am surprised that they escaped me. I shout them and rush away into my study and sit down and smoke. I hear her go out into the hall preparing to go away. I ask, ‘Where are you going to? ' She does not reply. ‘Well, devil take her,' I say to myself, and go back to my study and lie down and smoke. A thousand different plans of how to revenge myself on her and get rid of her, and how to improve matters and go on as if nothing had happened, come into my head. I think all that and go on smoking and smoking. I think of running away from her, hiding myself, going to America. I get as far as dreaming of how I shall get rid of her, how splendid that will be, and how I shall unite with another woman -- quite different. I shall get rid of her either by her dying or by a divorce, and I plan how it is to be done. I notice that I am getting confused and not thinking of what is necessary, and to prevent myself from perceiving that my thoughts are not to the point I go on smoking.
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