Altho' my brain is sound and well, An' mentally I've nothing wrong, They've locked me in a padded cell, An' watches me the 'ole day long; 'Ow did I get in such a fix? 'Twas all along o' politics.
I'd studied Joe's Protection plan, An' thought I'd see what I could do To benefit my fellow-man By practisin' 'is 'opeful view That Exports is the all in all, And Himports should be nil -- or small.
So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill (My visit ain't improved 'is manners), I managed, when I left, to fill My pockets with 'is best 'Avannahs; The cigarettes I left be'ind Was quite the cheapest I could find.
Yet Uncle Bill 'e couldn't see That since 'is Exports far exceeded 'Is Himports -- thanks, o' course, to me -- That was exactly what he needed To make 'im prosperous again; 'E merely said I was insane!
'E couldn't understand, wot's more, ('E was a Cobdenite, an' still is), Why, when I traded at the door 'Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's, 'E, not the tramp, 'ad been the gainer; And yet -- could anythink be plainer?
One day a foreign merchant fleet Was anchored orf a British pier; The cargo, mostly Russian wheat, Designed for himportation 'ere; True to my principles, that night I blew it up with dynamite.
The jury was a set o' twelve Old fossils o' the Asquith school; The judge was one they ought to shelve; My counsel was a bloomin' fool; 'E talked o' my 'disordered brain,' An' never mentioned Chamberlain!
So now they've sent me to a spot Congenial to my fiscal notions, Which, as I needn't say, is not The same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's. But I'm not mad, I must insist: I'm merely a Protectionist!
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