Preferential Treatment

We was always a hintimate family,
An' we doted on one another;
I was genuine fond o' my Uncle Fred,
And o' Cousin Jim I've a-often said
'E was more like my own born brother;
An' a feeling of 'earty affection I 'ad
For Kate, wot 'ad married my eldest lad.

Now, my Uncle Fred keeps the 'Dumpshire Arms,'
An' Jim's in the grocery trade;
While Kate 'as a little front-window shop,
Where she sells stone-bottles o' ginger-pop
An' sweets as is all 'ome-made;
And _I_ earns enough for my board an' booze,
A-makin' an' mendin' o' boots an' shoes.

Last winter it were, when times was bad,
That Jim 'ad a 'appy thought;
'Ow fine it'd be if we'd all agree
On a kind of a mutual trade, sez 'e,
For our things as we sold an' bought;
We'd 'elp one another (which sounded nice),
An' be getting our goods at a lower price.

I'd tinker the boots o' the family cheap,
An' get 'ome on my uncle's beer,
Nor I wouldn't be 'avin' to strain my means
A-buying expensive pertaters an' greens
Orf o' Cousin Jim, no fear!
An' for luxuries, such as the missus eats,
I could get 'em 'alf-price orf o' Katie's sweets.

But it didn't work. For my Uncle Fred
'E treated me crool unfair;
I sold 'im some shoes, starvation price,
But I 'adn't a-tasted 'is beer but twice
When 'e said as I'd drunk my share!
Then I mended a couple o' pairs o' Kate's --
But sweets is a thing as the missus 'ates.

Tho' for Cousin Jimmy I took an' made
A set o' new 'eels and soles,
I was paying for greens at a 'igher rate
Than 'e charged to my Uncle Fred, or to Kate,
An' 'is cheeses was full of 'oles!
('E was getting 'is liquor 'alf-price, no doubt,
While _I_ 'ad to bally well go without! )

Now, I 'aven't spoke to my Uncle Fred
For nigh on six months or more,
An' I've ceased to 'ave dealings with Cousin Jim
(For at 'eart I'd a-often suspected 'im),
An' I never won't darken 'is door;
An' I've 'ad quite enough o' that rubbish o' Kate's,
Wot was always the kind of a woman I 'ates.

Yes, family ties is a splendid thing
If it's _sentiment_ keeps 'em there;
When it comes to a question o' gold and gain,
They turns at once to a hirksome chain,
Such as nobody wants to wear;
When matters of money appears on the floor,
Them family feelings walks out at the door!

If England's a-going to 'aggle an' fight
For Colonial Preference,
If the love of 'er sons for the Motherland
Is a kind of a feeling as only can stand
On a basis o' shillings an' pence,
That sort o' foundation won't last overlong,
An' there's something, I lay, must be 'opelessly wrong.

When the Colonies 'eld out their 'ands to us,
It wasn't for British gold;
But who 'll vouch for the love o' the Britisher-born,
When 'e bargains 'is honour for tariffs on corn,
An' 'is loyalty's bartered an' sold?
(A 'appy 'armonious fam'ly we'll make,
A-arguing who shall 'ave most o' the cake! )

We shall 'ave them Australian Governments
A-striking for better terms,
An' there's sure to be plenty o' grumbling when
The Canadian manufacturing men
Is competing wi' Henglish firms;
An' each separate part o' the Hempire 'll feel
As the others is 'aving the best o' the deal.

From which, if you follows my meaning through,
There's a obvious moral to draw:
Let's consider the Motherland's future, afore
We allows 'er to risk being Mother no more,
An' becoming the Mother-in-law!
For if loyalty's paid for, it ain't worth a thought,
An' affection's a fraud if it 'as to be bought.

End of title

Preferential Treatment

Harry Graham

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