Potpourri (Perverted Proverbs)

There are many more Maxims to which
I would like to accord a front place,
But alas! I have got
To omit a whole lot,
For the lack of available space;
And the rest I am forced to boil down and condense
To the following Essence of Sound without Sense:

Now the Pitcher that journeys too oft
To the Well will get broken at last.
But you'll find it a fact
That, by using some tact,
Such a danger as this can be past.
(There's an obvious way, and a simple, you'll own,
Which is, if you're a Pitcher, to Let Well alone.)

Half a loafer is never well-bred,
And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing.
And the mice are at play
When the Cat is away,
For a moment, inspecting a King.
(Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare,
It is right to suppose that the King will take care.)

Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood,
When a Stitch in Good Time will save Nine,
While a Bird in the Hand
Is worth Two, understand,
In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine.
(Tho' the two, if they _Can_ sing but Won't, have been known,
By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.)

Never Harness the Cart to the Horse;
Since the latter should be _a la carte_.
Also, Birds of a Feather
Come Flocking Together,
-- Because they can't well Flock Apart.
(You may cast any Bread on the Waters, I think,
But, unless I'm mistaken, you can't make it Sink.)

It is only the Fool who remarks
That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke;
Has he never yet learned
How the gas can be turned
On the best incombustible coke?
(Would you value a man by the checks on his suits,
And forget '_que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts? _')

Now '_De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bonum_,'
Is Latin, as ev'ry one owns;
If your domicile be
Near a Mortuaree,
You should always avoid throwing bones.
(I would further remark, if I could, -- but I couldn't --
That People Residing in Glasshouses shouldn't.)

You have heard of the Punctual Bird,
Who was First in presenting his Bill;
But I pray you'll be firm,
And remember the Worm
Had to get up much earlier still;
(So that, if you _can't_ rise in the morning, then Don't;
And be certain that Where there's a Will there's a Won't.)

You can give a bad name to a Dog,
And hang him by way of excuse;
Whereas Hunger, of course;
Is by far the Best Sauce
For the Gander as well as the Goose.
(But you shouldn't judge any one just by his looks,
For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.)

With the fact that Necessity knows
Nine Points of the Law, you'll agree.
There are just as Good Fish
To be found on a Dish
As you ever could catch in the Sea.
(You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep,
And I've also remarked that Still Daughters Run Cheap.)

The much trodden-on Lane _will_ Turn,
And a Friend is in Need of a Friend;
But the Wisest of Saws,
Like the Camel's Last Straws,
Or the Longest of Worms, have an end.
So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make,
A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take.

End of title