The Parish Pump (a Ballade). (Rhymes for the Times)

Harry Graham

1907

['The parish pump is the best friend of the teacher of history,
and the man who, on the basis of Imperialism, sneers at the
parish pump, does not know what he is talking about. ' -- Canon
MASTERMAN.]

The pedagogue his desk may thump
And lecture, with a skill profound,
On Parliaments called 'Long' or 'Rump,'
On Scone (where Scottish kings were crowned);
On butts of Malmsey wine which drowned
The Prince who chanced therein to jump;
On Richard, Gloucester's Duke, renowned
For having a perpetual 'hump';

On Runnymede's immoral clump,
Where poor King John was run to ground
And signed the Charter (on a stump)
Whereon our liberties we found;
On Windsor, where, with horse and hound,
The eighth King Henry grew so plump,
And where the doleful courtiers frowned
When George the Third went off his chump!

Such facts I simply cannot lump,
Preferring greatly to expound
The tale of how Sir Joseph Crump
Expended many a well-earned pound
(No better Mayor was ever found,
Although his lady _is_ a frump! )
On giving Mugley-on-the-Mound
A presentation Parish Pump.

Then beat the tabor, blow the trump!
Let welkins with your shouts resound!
The cause of Empire cannot slump
While noble deeds like this abound!
Go, children, pass the story round
Of how the head of Crump and Comp:
(Whose enemies may Fate confound! )
Supplied the Parish with a Pump!

End of title

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